For a military spouse, one of the things we look forward to the most in post-transition life is a better and more equitable division of labor. I’m talking about doctor visits, school pickups and teacher nights, dishes and vacuuming, walking the dog, remembering their rabies shot dates, paying the bills, fertilizing the lawn, communicating with the landlord…and so much more.
Traditionally many of these tasks fall to the military spouse. Not because we’re better at it, well, we’re better at some of it, but because the servicemember is often called away for training, deployments, or other “needs of the military” and the headache of trying to pass those responsibilities back and forth could result in balls being dropped, bills not being paid, and the lights getting shut off.
That’s why we military spouses just take care of it.
Now life after active duty military service is staring you down and you’ve got big plans for your servicemember to be more involved in family life, activities, and responsibilities. Are they thinking the same thing?
Unfortunately, hundreds of thousands of military spouses would shout out a big, “NO!” Just like us, our partners are used to a way of doing things, and with a focus on the bigger transition tasks, they often forget about that pesky little thing called division of labor.
The results? Hurt feelings, fights, and a breakdown in intimacy in your relationship.
Does this sound familiar?
You can’t wait for post-transition life when your servicemember will finally be able to spend more time helping out with household chores, transporting kids around, upkeep on the home, and meal preparation. No more deployments! No more training! No more staff duty all weekend!
Your servicemember hasn’t been thinking about any of that. Things are going well just like they are. Why rock the boat? Oh, but it will be nice to have more free time to network on LinkedIn, brush up on their golf game, and hang out with buddies in the evening.
Division of what?
Welcome to unmet expectations where everybody feels misunderstood and devalued.
It’s not necessarily that your servicemember isn’t listening or doesn’t care, more likely it’s because you’ve done things one way for so long that they have no concept of what changing that would look like in practice or how it will affect their day to day.
You’ve Got to Talk About it.
If you enter post-active duty life just expecting behaviors to change you’re going to be disappointed. And depending on your relationship and personality, the results of that disappointment might look like
- The silent treatment
- The fight of the century
- Tears and sadness
- Threats of divorce or separation
- Little physical intimacy
When you find that you and your partner are struggling with being together, or missing sexual desire, or lacking physical and emotional intimacy it’s often because of a disconnect in communication and an overload of unmet expectations. It brings to mind one of my favorite phrases from Channel 4 news:
Thanks to Courtney Boyer, relationship and sexuality expert, and author of “Not Tonight, Honey, Why Women Actually Don’t Want Sex and What We Can Do About It”, for this communication exercise can help us navigate the responsibilities we love and hate while keeping us in the mood to be close to our partner.
Communication Exercise for Division of Labor
Step one: First, you and your spouse should each take 10-15 minutes to write down the list of everything you feel responsible for. All of it. That includes both mental and physical tasks. If you are responsible for oil changes in the car – write it down. If you are the one worried about what college your kid is going to – write it down.
Step two: Once the lists are done, sit together and compare them. Ask yourself these questions:
- What items are non-negotiable must-do’s? (picking up kids from school, grocery shopping, paying the electricity bill, etc.)
- Is there a way to make a non-negotiable easier? (ride share with a neighbor, order groceries for delivery, auto-pay for bills)
- What is on my list that my partner can take over?
- What is on my partner’s list that I can take over?
- What items on each person’s list that they will feel resentful or unhappy about?
- What can we do to reduce that resentment and unhappiness while still completing what needs to be done?
While answering the questions create a new list for each person and an understanding of how to move forward.
The goal isn’t perfect happiness one hundred percent of the time. That’s not realistic.
But, what if you could go from a happiness level of 2 out of 10 and move up to a level of 6 out of 10 with just a few simple conversations and thoughtfulness?
It’s worth it.
To make it really easy for you and your partner, we’ve created a download with the communication exercise all laid out and easy to follow. Grab it here.
Courtney Boyer, Loving Each Other Through Military Retirement and Transition
This communication exercise and more great suggestions about loving each other through military retirement and transition were part of my conversation with Courtney Boyer, M.S., M.ED., CLC a relationship and sexuality expert. And, a military spouse who really does get it.
Catch the full conversation here.
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