There are days and moments and years that define each of us and the stories of our lives. It tells us who we are, where we are going, the communities we belong to, and the life we are committed to living. The day I saw my picture and name on a military spouse ID card was a day that will forever define me. So will the final day we drive off base and formally separate from this piece of our lives.
I remember thinking that identity was supposed to be an unmovable stake in the ground. Something rock-solid, unchanging, firm, and forever rooted. The more life I live, the more I recognize it for the ever-expanding, fluid, growing, changing pieces of me. I am still me and forever will be! But a growth mindset means giving in to the gift of expansion that a lived life coupled with time on earth brings.
Here’s the thing about change. Change always equals loss – even if it’s change in a positive direction. It’s moving on and saying “goodbye” to whatever is behind. It’s an eager and expectant “hello” to whatever is around the corner. Sometimes, to be frank, it’s a forced “goodbye” and a forced “hello”. Regardless, it is change and that change brings about loss.
I get it. “Loss” is a scary word and an even scarier idea.
At 15 years old, I nearly lost an immediate family member to suicide.
At 19 years old, I left behind an abusive religious community and moved to Manhattan, NY with nothing but hope and a dream.
At 21 years old, I lost someone I loved dearly to a car accident and moved home.
At 25 years old, I was told I had cervical pre-cancer and would never be able to have kids.
At 27 years old, I navigated COVID, post-partum, and a PCS while my husband was away for 6 months.
At 29 years old, I was in a car accident that left me with a chronic diagnosis that cost me my newly-founded career.
Loss and grief are friends I imagine many of us have come to know deeply and dearly. The military story woven into each of our lives tends to lean in that direction! But rather than hiding from the emotions that inevitably come from loss and grief, I have learned to recognize them as a validating reminder that I am alive, I am human, and things are not always the way they should be. Grief and loss have become partners in life instead of opposing enemies to life.
There’s a children’s book I often find myself humming on the hard days “You can’t go over it, You can’t go under it. You’ve gotta go through it.” I won’t pretend to have answers for the complicated journey we call life – but there’s something raw and true and real about pushing forward to get “through”. And in my mind and experience, that word “through” means there is, in fact, a beginning and an end. The head-down, get-through-today, square-your-shoulders moments won’t last forever! The sun does come up. The leaves do grow back. The flowers will bloom again.
I wish I could sprinkle some words that validate and heal across the table from you with our second glasses of wine! What I can do is promise that you are not alone. This community right here will make sure of that! Wherever you are in the process of letting go, moving on, and crafting a new dream, there are people in your corner ready to cheer you on, validate your emotions, and extend a hand to lift you up. For whatever it is you are grieving and letting go and whatever it is you are hoping for and moving towards, we are here as a shoulder to cry on and a hand to help.
“When the big things feel out of control focus on what you love right under your nose”― Charlie Mackesy, The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse
Faith Balogh is the newest member of the Milspouse Transition™ team. Faith and her family are separating from active duty military life in 2025. As they navigate this process she’s documenting her experiences, resources, support, programs, and initiatives that have helped her through the process.
